erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
