my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
