out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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