I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
