you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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