Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
