Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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