My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
