New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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