No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
