I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
