I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
