That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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