i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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