I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
