My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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