Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
