When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
