You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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