Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
