There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
