Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I want a musical about memes.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
