Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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