exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
All the doctor said was why
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
