First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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