Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
