Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
