so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
