I'm lost and stupid without you.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
