Four minutes until I can fart!
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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