Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
