mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
