none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
