I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
