So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
