Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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