Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
