I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
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