If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
