The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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