I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
