I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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