when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
