I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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