My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Randomize
