i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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