That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
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