So drunk its hurt
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Can Purell be used as lube?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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