How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Randomize
