I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
