Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
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You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... π―πππ
Do I even want to know?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
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He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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