I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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