you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
