with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
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I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
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I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize