Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
